Week 2: Health Care Wishes, Death Details & Memorial Planning
How health care wishes and values become an act of love at the end of life.
This week, I’m working through the health care section of The Empowered Estate Planner. This section might look small compared to the others, but it’s arguably the most useful.
As I leaned into this section, I was very conscious of the fact that when you no longer have family physically close to support you and your loved ones at end-of-life, it forces you to look at your friendships differently. I found myself considering which of my friends are physically close enough to help with things like appointments, errands, or pet care? Of those friends, who would I actually feel comfortable asking for help? And of those, who have I ever had real conversations with about what I would want if I were suddenly incapacitated or if death occurred?
In fact, I’m not even sure I’ve had those conversations with my spouse in a way that’s specific enough to be truly meaningful, or to provide the kind of clarity that would actually be useful if the worst occurred. And if my husband and I were both incapacitated, I certainly haven’t had these conversations with my kids.
I realize these are awkward conversations. They don’t come up naturally, and they rarely happen at a time when everyone is open to having them. That’s what makes this planning exceptionally helpful. We don’t have to talk about it, but my wishes are now written down should my loved ones ever be ready.
My hope is that they will never have to question what I would have wanted or chosen for myself. I want to help relieve that emotional weight and offer some comfort and peace at a time when I won’t be able to physically provide it. I want to reduce or eliminate potential guilt around the decisions they will inevitably have to make, because one day I am going to die, and one day someone will have to make those decisions. I don’t want my family to ever have to wonder, second-guess, or feel under more pressure than they already will be.
If I can ease even a little bit of the burden, I will. I don’t want to be the cause of any contention among them. My love for my family is what’s giving me the courage to face my mortality in my own way and on my own terms. And the only term I really have is that whatever I do, I do it for those I leave behind. That’s not cliche, that’s fact. My thought is: Let me be brave now, to help you be brave later.
My death will not be their problem, alone!
When building my team, choosing the people who will support my people, raised a lot more questions for me than I anticipated. We often take for granted that we have a strong social network of connections, people and community we interact with everyday, but one thing that hit me was that community in my life and community in my death are not necessarily the same community.
For example, while my spouse and children are my immediate health care decision makers, what happens if they are unable to step in. If there are no blood relatives available to make those decisions for me, the default moves to close friends. Once again, I was forced to look who of my close friends are physically close enough to be available, and of those friends, which ones have I talked to about my wishes, and which ones would even be willing?
Next, I looked at who would handle my finances. Of course, my husband or children can easily step in, especially in an increasingly digital world. However, while my husband knows my wishes around our joint finances, I have not shared with him my wishes around my business finances. Writing down bank accounts and passwords is only the beginning. What about my emotional wishes around my work. My business and partnership are soul led heartfelt businesses. Built for income, yes, but also represent who I am. Would someone acting as my power of attorney know what really drives me in my business? Would they understand why I do what I do, and what my goals and wishes for what I create are. Because beyond the numbers, how this part of my story ends is important to me. For soul led entrepreneurs, it’s especially important to have these conversations or write down your wishes so your body of work doesn’t become just numbers on a page.
When it comes to personal values, reviewing the list in The Empowered Estate Planner was incredibly helpful, and eye opening. They say a person’s core values don’t change, (I’ll explore that in a future Living Well blog), but what does change is the level of importance of those values when viewed through the lens of death.
What feels very important as part of my living life, doesn’t feel as important in death. Obviously, this raised even more questions, and one could argue it was really just an exercise in identifying what’s truly important. But I’ll argue that we have different needs while living, than the needs we’ll have while dying. Viewing how my values serve me now and how they might change at end of life was an interesting practice that will forever influence how I approach this work.
Equally fascinating was the exercise on lifestyle choices. When considered at end of life, my lifestyle choices are quite simple. It’s really such a shame our culture doesn’t allow us to live like we’re dying. I think we’d all be just a little bit happier if life were more simple - but try to practice that mentality in Western society and you’ll soon find survive and thrive feels more like an either-or choice.
Similarly, in life I have a lot of thoughts and fears around how to survive and thrive, but it turns out in death, my biggest fear is simply leaving my family unprepared. I know my family is going to be hurting, but I don’t have to add to it. There are ways in life that I can support them in my death, and it goes well beyond the will. Legal documents are important to have in place but once they’re in place, they’re only one piece of the end-of-life puzzle.
Before the legal documents, they’ll have to make decisions on how to care for my body. This section created a little quiet inquisitiveness for me. How do I want to honour this body that’s carried me through this life. What would feel like a fitting way to thank her for all that she’s allowed me to do. (And since I’m not currently in active death, just maybe she’d appreciate it more if I built a better relationship with her now). Who knew end-of-life planning would turn into self-counselling?
Lastly, I completed my memorial planning section. Oh man, do I have a party planned for you - but only if it feels right for my loved ones. My memorial is not about me, it’s about the people who grieve me. I hope, in their grief, they can come together to experience joy in their memories of me. I hope they dance to my favourite songs, because you can’t be sad when you’re dancing. I hope they enjoy their grilled cheese sandwiches as they toast my life with a glass of good wine. But if that doesn’t feel right to them, that’s okay, because it’s not about me. It’s about them knowing that whatever they do, however they do it, they are loved and while death may have taken my body, it will never take my love.
If you feel called to be brave with me, the full digital guide is available to support you, step-by-step, as an act of care for those you’ll one day leave behind.